Nuclear Unicorn Presents: Mystery Craigslist Theatre 2009

I have odd pastimes, I’ll be the first to admit.

In this wide world of ours trans people are often invisible, but you can tell a lot about what people think of trans folk by taking a gander at those places where we decidedly are not hidden. One such place is the trans ghetto on Craigslist’s personals. I often amuse myself with the dark humour contained therein simply because the only alternative would be to weep.

It says volumes that trans people interested in dating must be filed under “Misc Romance” and an extra tome or two could be spent on why there are t4m and m4t sections but none for t4w or w4t. T is all we are and we are, evidently, all trans women are interested in cis dudes. Craigslist can teach you quite a bit, it seems!

Ah, but now to the odd pastime and the Juvenalian satire with the weeping and the laughing:

I peruse these listings and mock them. Today, I shall share some of the finer gems with you all, my lovelies. Thus I present to you Katherine’s Mystery Craigslist Theatre:

First up is an estimable and jaunty chap from New York.

“Hello, I am 6’2, 225, fit, black hair, hazel eyes, handsome, masculine and hairy with an 8″ cut and thick cock.”

Thank you for sharing that, sir. That’s usually the first thing I ask a man about! Why, just the other day I went shopping and asked this nice clerk “Yes, I have change. Oh by the way, how long’s your schlong?” Onto our next contestant:

“I am a straight man, who is very attracted to transsexual women.”

Note the affirmation of his straightness. This’ll become a running theme tonight.

Next up:

“I’m 5’9 160 and fit. I work in finance and would like to get to know a passable Asian t-girl. Not interested in just hooking up, much prefer to get to know someone. If that someone is you please, by all means, reach out to me.”

That’s the whole ad. For someone interested in getting to know me, he’s sure telling me precious little about himself! Well, except that he’s got an Asian fetish. Which reminds me of our next young baron…

“I’m very interested in meeting and getting to know a passable trans girl. I’m most interested in Asian and Latina women”

Asian fetish again, plus a word that’ll be appearing quite a bit tonight. Passable. All of these guys, nearly 100% of them, ask or demand their potential paramours to be “passable.” As if being a woman is something they’re playing at. The reason the word “pass” is rejected by a lot of us is because it implies deceit. Not that these chasers care, however. This is all about them, remember. Trans women are there to help them act out porno fantasies. We’re just getting warmed up!

From the same bloke:

“Because of the nature of my work some discretion is required. If you are interested in spending time with a gentleman please reach out to me.”

A gentleman! I always wanted one of those! A gentleman who will hide me because apparently his workplace might judge me even if I’m ‘passable.’

Man, I’d be living the dream if I shacked up with him.

Next up from a man seeking his “one in a million princess”:

“There’s no need to worry, my expectations are already managed.”

Which is why he goes on to say:

“Who am I looking for? … Someone who will be the most beautiful woman in the room wherever I take her and who will make all the other women in the bar jealous because their dates just can’t stop staring.”

I’d hate to see his unmanaged expectations.

What’s funny about a lot of these posts is that I’m not abridging them much. I’ve seen more depth and detail on Twitter. A lot of these guys don’t seem to realise that this isn’t a newspaper ad where one had to cram a lot of information into a bunch of jargony acronyms and a couple of sentences.

But of course, they can’t even handle that tiniest bit of writing:

“You do need to be passable for my interest to be peaked.”

Yep. That’s one way to ensure my interest isn’t piqued.

“Dry sense of humor, which, boarders on razor-wit at times, but is never mean spirited.”

But alas his wit extends not to good spelling. By the way, this guy’s pretty special. Observe:

“[I am a] Possessor of manners better suited to another, more elegant, time.”

You know, a more elegant time, when certain people weren’t allowed in certain parts of town and had separate drinking fountains, or when women couldn’t vote…

Anyhow, onwards and upwards:

“Young but legal bi guy looking to chat online. might lead to something else, who knows.”

Who knows anything? Certainly not him. (By the way, that’s the whole ad.) For our next Mr. Lover Lover…

“I am really interested in going out tonight to a gay bar or club but am very nervous as I am str8”

He’s so straight, he can’t even spell it.

So let’s get this, ahem, straight. You want to go with me, a woman, to a gay bar, is that right? This was a totally random choice of venue? It amazes me how quickly these people telegraph their issues, and with such an economy of words too.

Many of these ads’ authors make a point of mentioning they’re straight, often more than once, before proceeding to call you a “shemale” or some kind of “in between” creature that’s “the best of both worlds” along with insistent requests that you be pre-op.

You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to see what’s going on here.  Anyway, onwards!

“I am the romantic type, i open doors, bring flowers, little gifts, tell you how special u r to me, etc. “

But not special enough to write the whole word out for you. Sorry. I mean… sry. Onto the next winner:

“I want someone who makes my knees weak wherever we kiss and can wait until we see each other again. I am ok with someone not full time, only that you are dressed when we see each other.”

I love you and want a totally awesome romantic relationship! But if for some reason you have to occasionally dress like a dude I don’t want to see it. That’s gay.

But for a more liberal take, let’s ride off to meet our next stallion:

“I am an intelligent, well-educated, genuine person who is interested in meeting a beautiful and passable individual for dating and fun. I am politically progressive and can hold a conversation.”

I’m so progressive I’ll judge you on whether or not you’re ‘passable’ based on some social standard of feminine beauty!

“Your ethnicity could be anything, though from my experience Asians are often the most passable.”

I’m so progressive, I judge based on race!

But what if you hear wedding bells in the distance? Then I’ve got your Mr. Right:

“”It may sound a bit to fast for some people but I really would like to marry a Trans Gendered woman not just because of the gendered or anything but because I seek to be loved and loved by just one woman alone who knows what love is”

I don’t love you for the gendered thing, baby! Let’s get married!

“Reason why I am into the Trans Gendered is because I have had good experiences with it.. Not as far as sex goes but I have made some wonderful friends and they told and shared with me all the wonders of it and i am really intrigued by it.”

I think you’re shit in bed and we haven’t even met. Let’s get married!

But what about someone who you feel like has just known you forever? Well, I felt this fine young man look straight into my soul:

“”I’ve done reading up on it and yes, I’ve been educated enough to know the difference between someone who’s TS (transfolk who have surgery) and those who identify with being TG (live as opposite gender they were born with, but don’t have surgery…..may or may not be on hormones, either)”

I get turned on by people who mangle the definitions of trans stuff. But I practically explode with orgasmic energy when I read ads that were written like an encyclopaedia page.

He deserves credit for trying, I suppose. I mean, it’s a cut above “gurl” and “shemale” or “tranny”- all very popular words among this lot.

Next champion:

“unlike everybody else, i am not just looking for sex. i am a straight white male (never been attracted to guys), but there is something about a m2f girl that really interest me.”

I’m just a bundle of issues waiting to explode. Come get me, baby!

Onto our next Man of the Year:

“Hello – Good looking, down to earth, in good shape, confident, blue eyes, well endowed and a fun drinking partner “

I’m just casually letting you know I have a huge wang. Did I mention my penis is big?

For our next Adonis…

“I am not attracted to men; I’m not judgmental but don’t have any feelings for men personally. My family and friends don’t know about my attraction to transexuals so for now discretion and secrecy are a must.”

So if this potentially degrading powder keg waiting to explode is your thing, come on up and get me, honey! …Secretly of course. Come after midnight, I’ll leave a key inside a fake rock I have outside on my lawn.

Notice again how he has to state twice in the same breath he’s not attracted to guys? If there’s one lesson you take away from this, my fellow trans sisters, it’s this: Stay away from these guys. As a friend of mine also added: “Also discretion and secrecy might mean “No one knows where you are or where you were headed tonight.” Which is just peachy when you’re a member of a group frequently murdered by men while on a date.”

Remember too that these men don’t know or care about that.

But let’s end on a high note. Out of all these grand and noble men, magisterial examples of masculinity cum divinity, we have tonight’s Grand Prize Winner, whose name I have changed to protect the innocent and who we shall call Spanky:

“i swing both ways. get in touch asap u won’t be dissapionted.i got pics this is real u be real too!!!!! “

I wish this wasn’t real.

Anyway, Spanky wins a year’s supply of condoms, which in his case is two. Thanks for playing, everyone, and good night!

2 thoughts on “Nuclear Unicorn Presents: Mystery Craigslist Theatre 2009

  1. Kevin December 14, 2009 / 1:06 pm

    I just finished reading this, and got a good laugh from it. Of course, I’m also aware of the looming tongue in cheek nature of the article. I found it most surprising on how craigslist splits its categories (Well, not so much surprising as it just provoked a mild *facepalm* moment.)

    Good writing, good laughs. Though, I’ve been on the other side of that lot before. I mean, I openly admit that. I’m drawn to that “T” crowd, but I also like my lovers to be “hot”. Hot of course, can take many forms. I’m just curious of there’s a distinction between “hot” and “passable”. Then again, I also know that the more we spend time with those we cherish, the more our brain will reconfigure and release chemicals to give us smiling eyes towards them.

    I guess passable really is just the consequence of our times, when models shed 30 pounds on the covers of magazines (and Demi Moore loses part of her leg) by computer.

  2. Kaitlynn December 16, 2009 / 10:44 pm

    I didn’t really think about it until watching a Soldier’s Girl tonight, but I do think that there is a definite distinction between the two terms even if they might be considered synonyms to others. To be “passable” might, at its most literal meaning, have the connotation to simply appear with the physical characteristics of a woman. However, I think that might actually have a very different meaning than to have what’s “hot” which might be the more what’s considered idealized.

    Ultimately, I think that these ads don’t make the distinction themselves. Though, I’m not saying it’s a crime to want someone attractive I do think that it might raise already difficult standards.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s